September 1999
It was raining. Heavily. I can hear the gushing wind struck through the trees. The rain itself seemed desolate, dropped perpetually over the street across where im sitting. The chorus of it utterly wretched and unhappy.
Lord of power and rule,
You give power
To whom You please,
And You strip off power
From whom You please:
And You endow with honor
Who You please,
And You bring low,
Whom You please:
In Your hand is all good.
Verily, over all things
You have power.
*****
I remember the days of my childhood. Though vaguely pictured anymore in the temples of my mind, but one thing as much elusive it was; was clear. He was like a brother.
It was when im in standard 2. Mase tu aku baru pindah dari skolah lame ke kelantan. Aku lam klas tu macam pendatang haram. Sbb aku cakap luar, xleh cakap klantan lagi mase tu. So di mate budak-budak ni aku macam mat indon la kirenye.
1st day aku dah wat hal. Btumbuk lam klas. Mase tu cite pendekar tengah femes, so bbudak lam klas aku ni kire cam taksub sket ngn cite tu. Asal ade je hikmat-hikmat baru yg kuar lam tv, mesti diorang test kat member2. N mangsa diorang aritu - aku. Haha.
That’s how it first started. Udin, that was his name. To this day, i cant stop thinking ‘what a start to know a person’ and sumtimes just thinking of that makes me smile. Gay ke aku ni?haha.
But i think that’s how fate works. Fate intersect persons to a junction of life, driven by inscrutable idea which God willingly disguise to make a person learn something out of it. To potray fate to a more explainable ideas, you will find that God is really a complex and artistic entity.
How can i describe this friend of mine. Lucu pon ade. Autar pon ade. Tp for certain, he epitomised the meaning of ‘kampung boy’. Haha.
Aku igt lagi zaman2 kecik lu, aku slalu gi kutip buah getah ngn budak ni. Die le yg aja aku segala ilmu tentang buah getah ni. Yg belang2 cenggini name nye ‘tok kura2′. Yang macam rail ketapi ni namenye ‘tok keto api’. Yang macam stripe name die ‘tok harimau’. And dalam banyak2 buah getah, ‘tok naga’ yang paling kuat. Uish merah gakla tangan aku dok main ketuk buah getah ni.
Tp die aja aku trick, camane bile lagakan buah getah ni nak bagi die kuat. X pecah. Trick die, korekkan lubang kat buah getah tuh, pastu masukkan simen ataupon lilin. Hui champion la kejap aku time tuh. Haha.
Xcukup ngn buah getah. Men guli. Men gasing. Men titik. Men bola. Men badminton. Lumbe beskal. Main dam. Masuk kua hutan. Jerat menatang (walaupon xpnah kene). Mancing. Men tikam judi power rangers - Udin ni kire sifu aku la. Vocab2 klantan cam ‘nate’ ‘bengong’ die la yg aja aku. Well dalam bab2 survival ni, mamat ni mmg terer.
Ade skali tuh plak, aku igt lagi die ngn member2 aku gi mandi kat ’sunway lagoon’. Name je best. Tp sbnarnye kolam yg xde air penuh ngn lecah je. Walaupon lecah, argh balun je. Best jugak.
Tp yg dajal nye si udin ni x puas ati, die cakap dulu kat kolam tu byk air skang kering. So die ajak aku pegi sungai klantan plak mase dajah 5.
Aku rase xsdap ati dah psal sungai klantan ni sbb orang dok cite bahaye. Ade hantu air tarik kaki. Ade gak aku denga cite pasal buaya putih bapak aku bitau. So aku cakap katdie aku nak gi mancing je taknak mandi. Die cakap ’set!’.
So pergila aku satu ari tu ke sungai klantan. Sblom tu aku dah janji ngn mak aku aku xnak mandi, mancing je. So sesampainye aku kat sungai klantan ni, aku pon balingla joran aku. Same gak ngn si Udin ngn Kopang(member aku gak). Tp yg aku xtahan nye, sejurus je aku baling joran tuh diorang bukak suar. Harun aku dah xsdap ati. Dush!Due eko tuh lompat masuk lam sungai. Barua!penipu!
Aku time tu innocent lagi. Ish!Ingat janji ngn mak. Mancing je jgn mandi. Tp due eko setan tu dok mujuk. Reh kalu mu tok mandi mu ni buke jate la. Xdop ***** (censored). Haha. Aku lam ati eii sabar sabar. Aku mancing je time tuh.
Walaupon begitu, sejam aku tunggu jangankan ikan batang hidung ikan pon x sangkut kat mata kail aku, seko pon xnak makan umpan. Memilih tol ikan kat sungai klantan ni kate aku lam hati. Cacing ngn blalang tanak. Matile klau centu. Takan nak bagi makan berger kot. Haha.
Diorang dok mujuk lagi. Argh sabar pon ade batasnye. Aku ape lagi terjun jugak arh. Haha. Yg sialnye aku xpandai berenang. So tempat aku terjun tu plak lubuk kat situ. Lemas sepam. Sebaik le udin ni ade. Die power kot berenang. Aku lpas lemas tu dok main kat tepi je. Dalam hati dok pikir, uish btolla orang kate kat sungai klantan ni ade hantu air. Sebaik x jumpe buaya putih gak arituh.
Sesudahnye mandi, time balek tuh, ntah camane mak aku tahu aku xgi mancing. Aku mandi. Ape lagi. Mengamuk le. Haha.
Eh lupe nak cite yg udin ni pon power men bola. Aku satu team ngn die la dulu. Aku striker. Udin ni plak winger. Kadang2 kagum gak aku ngn mamat ni, power kot dribble bola. Aku ngn die satu team bola start skolah rendah smpai la form 1 kat maahad. Byk gakla kejayaan yg kitorang kecapi time tuh. Pergh skema nye ayat. Juare antara kelas la mostly. Kat maahad lak time peralihan kitorang lawan form 4. Menang. Tp mostly dalam skola je la. Masuk tournament, byk yg haprak gak.
Cakap pasal bola, si udin ni tahu byk padang2 bola lam kampung aku. Ade satu ari tu die bawak aku gi tengah2 hutan. Aik ade padang bola rupenye. Padang peladung name die. Sempat gak men kat situ. Tp haprak kalah men ngn orang kampung.
Psal bgadoh plak, udin ni best buddy aku time bgadoh. Mase skola rendah lu, aku slalu jadi target senior2 aku. Slalu btumbuk. N dalam banyak2 member aku udin ni la kalau aku bgadoh 1st skali yg….lari.hahah sori din klau ko bace nih. haha. Bkan slalu la die lari, time ramai orang sgt je.
Most of my early chilhood days, bleh kate aku abes ngn die je. Tambah plak mase aku skola rendah tuh, abah aku dah start xde kat umah. Bz. Dulu aku rapat la ngn abah aku, tp lpas die bz tuh, aku byk abes mase ngn kgkawan. That’s why udin ni kire cam aku dah anggap cam adik bradik aku dah.
Tah camane, abeh skola rendah. Kitorang leh gi skolah maahad skali. Well x pelik pn eceli, ayah die ‘tok we ddoloh’ pak imam kat kampung aku. So die anta udin gi skolah agama.
Mase skola menengah aku rapat ngndie cambiase. Walaupon aku xsklas, tp still rapat. Men bola sesame, buat kje sial sesame. The rest is history.
*****
I remember 2 hours before, Kopang had called me.
‘Reh, udin mati gilo’
‘Nate ni gurau bodo igt aku cayo ko’
‘Sungguh ni udin mati. Lillah.’
It was raining that day. The day when i cycled frantically to his house. I nearly caught an accident that day, when my mind dozed away thinking of thoughts, suddenly i grasped a car was in front of me, turning to get to the left side of the T junction. Luckily i stroved away safely, but it didnt bother me, except that hoping Kopang was all but joking.
But he was lying on the old mat above the wooden floor. His face was blue. I went nearer. Shake him. Trying to wake him up. Inside me, it felt like i never exhaled a breather that time. Time had stopped. As if the time itself was paying a last tribute to a great being who had lived between the ticking of a clock.
He died trying to save his two friends from drowning, a brave but a stupid act in my opinion, where at last he himself got entangled by the might of the ocean’s wave. Drowned. Died. Syahid.
I felt dizzy at that time. It seemed like my soul had turned into a vagabond, travelling between the frame of my body and the outer side of it. My legs shaken. But apart from my dizziness that time, i didnt know whether it was my imagination or not, conspicuously i saw his blue face..smiling. As if the body was surrounded by euphoria of joy. Hopefully..God willingly..
I remember that i cant stay the sight for long. As i walked out the wooden door of his house, i vomitted, painfully and barely had a breath, as if i the chemical reaction inside my body, rejected the reality that had been presented viciously unto me. I said to myself i cant bear this anymore. Cant bear to see the sight of his grave, with prayers & beads of rosary twirled across the fingers of the people surrounding, accompanying his body into it, covered lastly with sand and soil, back to where every human belonged. Cant bear the fact, that will be the last time i saw him. Saying goodbye in utmost shattering manner.
I cycled through the street until i felt like i drained all my energy out then i stopped. Then there i was. Sitting. Crying under the tears of the sky.
‘Reh mu nokgi dok pantai cahaya bulan esok?’
‘Ish toksir aku’
Aku ingat lagi, ari pas die mninggal tu, time driver bas balek skolah, benti kat tempat die turun, nearby his house. Driver tu jerit ‘Udin!’. Tp aritu udin tak menyahut. N one voice broke the silence ‘dio meninggal marim pokcik’. At this point of time, everyday kat tempat die turun bas, for a month, i inevitably cried.
It took me 2 years to recover. I became a destructor of my own being. Blaming myself for not accompanying him that day. Blaming for not saying thank u. Blaming for never ever i dare to say sorry for sins that i committed unto him. 2 years i begged for atonement for someone intangible physically - then aku jd x konfiden ngn diri aku. Pendiam. Pemalu. I like to be alone, in my imagination, in my solitary confinement of mirrors and walls. Aku x suke tempat yang crowded. I got some feelings of deja vu bile hari mendung. Aku jd xpandai nak berkawan pastu. Cant express myself well. Aku slalu rase diri aku ni inferior compare ngn orang lain. I lack character, to stood by my own feelings and intrepretation of the world. For all those years, it was the black spot of my life. Haunted by sorrowful feelings of sum1 until today i feel his presence. Always.
You cause the night
To gain on the day,
And You cause the day
To gain on the night,
You bring the Living
Out of the Dead,
And You bring the Dead
Out of the living.
And You give sustenance
To whom You please,
Without measure.
Patah tumbuh, hilangnya berganti.
Nikmat yg ada hendaklah disyukuri.
Jangan menghargai sesuatu, setelah ianya pergi.
I juz want to say thank u..to all of my bestfriend now. Without you all, im not what i am today. Though ayat cite yg aku cite ni seems gay, haha, but i really would like to thank u all. That’s what ive been telling, ure all like pieces of jigsaw puzzle to my own life. From u all i gained back pieces of character that i had once, lost in the course of my life. U may laugh from this story, but take it with u really, learn what u can.
To udin..Juz want to let u know..Until to this day, aku slalu dapat mimpi aku lemas dalam air, feeling the pain uve been tru. Say hi to me when u see me one day oke. Though i think ill be in hell. Haha.
Al-fatihah untuk ulang tahun perginya seorang sahabat ke
pangkuan Ilahi…..
