Port Ngabans

27 january 2007..aku dah selangkah pergi..ramai member aku dtg kat epot..mybe not less than 30..xsangka..ive accumulated a lot of great friends..i got so touched at that time..to think that the time I spent with them went tru so quickly..but that is life..nothing is permanent..because we ourselves is not permanent..

28 january..transit kat dubai..nuthing interesting here..pnat travel lam plane..ngntok cam sial..lantas aku terbengkalai kat tepi corridor tempat orang lalu lalang..tido..cuaca kat situ..sejuk..rase cam mat saleh jap..aku try tgk nafas aku..kot2 ade kabus cam mat saleh lam tv..tp xde lagi..x sesejuk cam yg aku xpect..kehkeh jakun..time to go onboard..this time byk flashback tlintas lam kpale aku..time sedeh..time hepi..silap n salah aku mase lampau..especially to my brother n sister..igt gak kat mak bapak..member..everything summed up to my current life..an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle

ssmpainye aku kat london..zati bwk pegi mara hostel..n mlm tu gak aku ngn member aku kuar tgk london..kali ni sejuk bukan kepalang..bawah 0 celcius..tangan aku rase cam nak beku..kpale aku saket..skali lagi aku try tgk nafas aku kot2 ade kabus..cinabeng xde gak..bile kat malaysia bukan men aku pk beznye klau kat mesia ni sejuk cam kat uk..tp bile kat uk lak aku rase besnye klau kat cni panas cam mesia..n then I chuckled at myself..cenila kite manusia..xpnah cukup ngn ape yg ade..jarang bsyukur..n xprnah nak hargai ape yg kite ade buat mase skang

30 january..aku start dok mah sewa..jauh ngn kolej..kat west ham..pnat travel, angkut barang, beli barang, masak..owh sbot sal masak..kehkeh aku dah pro skang..dulu aku xknal yg mane bwg putih,bwh merah n bwg besar..kunyit ngn halia lagile..n aku xreti nak koyak bawang..apetah lagi masak..yg aku tau sal masak..masak telur, masak megi ngn masak air..tu pon skadar teori je..xpnah buat praktikal..kat mesia yg aku tau bile perut bebunyi..balun tey tarik kat kdai mamak..’K3 jom’ katenye member2 aku kat blok A2..tp skang 2 bulan dok cni, alhamdulillah dah bleh adapt..ckp je masak ape..kacang!sinis jawab hati aku..bile dah ceni..aku start sedar btuahnye aku dok kat mesia dulu..everything was prepared..tp kat cni sme kne buat..bygkan ceni la..kite dari kecik smpai kite besar celik je mate dah ade elektrik kat umah..ttibe blackout..n then mase tu la baru kite rase..susahnye klau xde elektrik..btape sblom ni kite xpnah tputus ngn nikmat..ttibe..kite hilang punca..so much uncertainties..n then sumthing come across in our mind.. ‘bruntung nye aku dulu’..kite sbenarnye bodoh n pelupa..kite slalu hargai sesuatu mende..when it’s gone…

that’s absolute true with our parent also..dari kecik smpai besar..aku jarang appreciate parent aku like it should be..when they’re gone..it seems the world is very heavy

n also to friends..we take things lightly..take for granted..sdgkan member bwk smpai ke hati doesnt grow on trees..one in a million..

here in london..people are bullshit..they dont care abt u..they dont care abt ur feelings..as long as they accomplished their objectives..u can get loss..respect is rubbish..respect is only there if we are part of their objectives..other than that..no respect for you..politeness?only when they say ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’, n ’sorry’..which in reality it’s juz customs..

here u have no choice..except that u also be like them..to be bullshit but within boundaries..u have to be confident in urself alwiz..doenst get scared to stand by ur own opinion n voice..n dont hold urself back to be mean to people..unluckily for me, they are all sumthing that I loss long time ago..igt lagi mase kecik dulu aku I really confident in myself..aku buat ape yg aku nak xkire ape org ckp..aku slalu bagi opinion..but certain events take place..n It robs everything from me..it injures the outspoken heart..it injures me a lot..smpai kering air mate aku..n aku jadi pendiam, pemalu, sensitif..i got inferiority complex..to rebuild everything from ground zero takes time..it’s like a broken glass..shattered into pieces..to combined it again is near impossible but it can be done..n although u have it done..u cant be have it in the same piece again..it gonna be tainted by scars..

tru my life..ive met a lot of wonderful frens..me myself now are pieces of them..i learn a lot from my fren..how to be outspoken..how to laugh..how to smile..how to talk rubbish..how to forget problems..how to have a dry heart..how to be mean..how not to be ashame of myself..how to be me..a quite number of times I find myself as a riddle..and my friends alwiz have the answers..

skang ni aku dah pindah kat umah baru..kat plaistow..2 bulan ni is really a new experience for me..i make sum good friends..especially samir n khan..time went tru really fast here..everyday aku blaja sumthing new..camane nak jadi independent..camane nak jadi hati kering..camane nk biasekan diri ngn penat n susah..problem is everywhere..but every problem can be solved if u take it easy n approach it step by step..actually..life is a problem..can we escaped it?

Tadi aku pegi jmpe member aku khan, org pakistan..n balik tu aku angkut kusi nk bwk ke umah baru..pergh berat cam anak harun..jauh lak tu..n aku bwk nek bas kusi tu..sume org tgk sb kusi tu besa..aku gelak lam hati..msti diorang igt aku ni gile bwk kusi besa nek bas memalam..tp biarla..ape yg aku buat kt cni, my weaknesses, ape yg aku pcaye especially religion..even to the people here it looks like im making fool of myself..i tell myself juz let people laugh..can I satisfy everybody?when everybody is confined with their own believes, weaknesses and disabilities?of course no..let them be themselves n I be myself..life is perception..we cant change people perception..bcoz of that I think most of the time people will want to snipe us..they alwiz see one side of the coin..but the truth is they dont know wut’s in behind..the truth is..the coin is two-sided

klas start aritu 18 january..i like the way they teach here..the lecturer is very good..kat mesia dulu lecturer aku mmg dah bagos, tp kt cni diorang bagus sbb pandai highlight topic yg myb akan kuar xm..they focused on getting the techniques right..tambah lak aku juz hanye ade klas 2 atau 3 hari sminggu ntok klas..ari lain aku cuti n I can concentrate on studies..aku x byk bjalan lagi kt cni..biala dulu, I got so many responsibilities coming here..especially harapan mak bapak..aku takot klau aku fail akan nyusahkan diorang dan org2 yg berkaitan..i got delayed..byk duit bazir so on so on..i juz hope and pray to god..that I have the strength and ability to be stupid and humble when im learning..

I also started to think, what is my future gonna looked alike..the law of equivalent exchange according to my favourite anime, says that we alwiz get sumthing in return for what we give in the first place..it means that u reap what u sow..ive been wondering lately what have I done in my 22 years of life?the more I think of it..the more I think it seems like I dont have a clue about it..time runs so fast..and I dont even realised it past me through..skang ni aku juz hyn ade 38 tahun baki umur ntok hidup..n 22 tahun cam berlalu sekelip mata..mybe in juz another 2 blinking of eyes, I will get old and umah kate pegi kubur kate mari..have I prepared for my future?

skang aku kat dpan pc..xtau nak watpe..so aku tulis ape yg aku pk..liku2 hidup aku kat cni..hoho ttibe aku rase cam usman awang..lantaran menulis sumthing yg agak blues..skangni tangan aku saket sbb bawak kusi tadi..almaklomle angkat kusi berat cam sial..bkan arini je, mmg slalu aku buat kje2 berat kt cni..smalam angkat meja ngn awe dari umah lame smpai cni..so im a bit weak n full of pain now..but that pain is temporary..in actuality..it’s a blessing is disguise..the muscle gonna grow..n it becomes stronger n stronger..bile aku balek nnt korang ppaham la ek klau cutting aku cam leonidus lam cite 300 tu..kah8

it’s interesting now..cuz when all this happened I started to think that..God creates everything in pair..bile ade pmpuan ade la laki..bile ade siang ade la malam..bile ade yg kuat ade yg lemah..trigt gak kat subject kimia dulu..u got positive ion to discharge the negative ion..centu gakla ngn sakit..susah..n problem..tiap2 kesusahan akan ade rahmat to discharge it..life is like muscle..u get pain temporarily n then it grows..we of course gonna have setbacks in our life..we cant escaped it..but then setbacks is a promise from God for greater things in life..God juz wanna tell us tru the problems ‘I give u this test so that u solve it n be a better person, n face Me one day as a great person’..but do we listen to God’s voice tru the problem?