Port Ngabans

1. We human have 3 different layer of thoughts. The first level is the auto-suggestion level which the brain executes partly in our consciousness and partly in the state of our sub-consciousness. The second level is the belief level which occurs when thoughts derived from the suggestion level is added to it an emotional attachment. The third level is the conviction level, when our belief is intergrated to the whole of our life, which is reflected in our understanding of life and the external level in the form of our endeavours. And Some people are willing to die, to protect their conviction.

2. Philosophy is derived from our logical argument based on understading of facts and circumstances. Philosophy can be timeless, though however some cannot endure the passage of time. But one thing is certain, through centuries philosophy is what makes our societies are now. Two of the major philosophy that affects our state of well being is the understanding of democracy and the concept of fundamental liberty.

3. As said above, we human evaluate things based on our circumstances. But it should be noted as well, that us human evaluate things in the continuum of our brain; which is absorbed from our instincts and senses.

4. We human are weak. Because we think in our brain continuum, we operate like a camera in an auto-focus function. We WANT to believe what our instincts and senses filter from circumstances given. Take for example a jornalist, who decides to go to palestin to gain understanding about war. If he is unlucky enough, that so suddenly he’s in the middle of a fierce battle, with constant slaughtery and masaccres - he might probably understands that war in Palestin is so killing and prevalent and such that there is no hope anymore. But the same journalist, if he go to Palestin to attend a treaty agreement between the warring parties, he might probably say that, people in Palestin can expect good things to happen, that peace is currently imminent, and the state of war is not as bad as people think.

5. Philosophy, perception and understadings occurs - IN - our brain continuum, not a general understanding, and neither a one-fit-all rule for every circumstances nor time. Otherwise we modern society today, would value an ‘agogo’ hair style as our parent were in the sixties.

6. Some islamic scholars, believe that our great fiqh guru himself, Imam Al-Ghazali, opposed the idea of philosophic thinking. Though it is arguable, but what Al-Ghazali fears is that, pemikiran logik sebenarnya menimbulkan banyak persoalan metafizik yang tak dapat difikirkan dengan fikiran kita yang tidak syumul. Persoalan metafizik seperti yang kita ketahui contohnya alam roh, tidak akan dapat diungkapkan dalam bentuk inferens dan hipotesis oleh seseorang saintis. Mengambil contoh yang lain pula, seseorang saintis mungkin cuba membuat hipotesis tentang wujudnya Tuhan, tetapi siapa pula pencipta Tuhan?Sedangkan resam pencipta, setiap yang terjadi tu smestinya mempunyai khaliq. Tidak syumul di sini pula penulis fahami, mungkin bermaksud seperti di atas, di mana manusia memikirkan sesuatu berdasarkan a given circumstances or facts; not ALL circumstances or facts.

7. What i want to try to direct our attention now is about the issue of democracy and fundamental liberty, or spesifically about fatwa on anti-tomboy issue. When the fatwa issue arised, so suddenly we heard a warcy among the NGO criticizing the fatwa, believing that the government want to exercise a brand-new version of ISA to control and put fears in the people’s mind.

8. I really dont have any personal grudge with SOME of the Chinese  who provoked the muslims on this issue (im not judging the whole group of chinese here because many Chinese are good people as well, even more than most or some muslim); because of their lack of understanding, that the issue doesnt affect them at all. If you’re a tomboy-wannabe my dear fellow chinese, then so be it. But if u understand that this issue doesnt affect u at all, but u still hold your feet firm to fight against it, then u have to understand as well that you just savagely fucked our Muslim conviction about life and religion, and one day it might give birth to a second child of racial tension named the ‘16th may’. We Muslim, can forgive you if u did the rally and the ‘tomboy show’ out of your lack of understanding, because us - we understand mannerism. Have once we ridiculed you being a living-legend-pig-eater? No. Well at least, not in public.

9. To muslim who willingly joined this rally, crying a warsong of fundamental liberty, arguing that why women body should be the morality issue of society, then believe me you have no understanding at all about fundamental liberty in the scope of a Muslim. Fundamental liberty in our scope, is not the law of the jungle, because being in the state of ultimate freedom - it is the law of the jungle; of Tarzan and gorillas. This is what al-ghazali concerned to happen, when we are too confined to our brain continuum, which is always a subject of our desires and animal instincts, we have the tendency of not being able to answer the metaphysic issue arised from our circumstances. Because the answer is not in our brain function. It’s from kalamullahilazim and the sunnah.

10. We human are weak (again). We dont have the key to unlock the book of fate. Of what gonna happened in future. But juz open our heart and see, pengharaman zina contohnya. Human dont like it, they fight, they refused, they allow concubination as part of their culture. Then what happened now we already see it. The collapse of society. Juz take America and Britain - the so called modern countries. They are very modernized in term of buildings and technologies, but they have no soul. How many child left with no parent. Many. And then what happened, because they dont value responsibility and love, they tend to indulge in anti-social behaviour. And what happened next? The cycles continues, again and again spreading so fast like cancers. Until the collapse of nation. Yes, it doesnt collapsed yet. But if we take knowledge and power from them, they have nothing at all except the law of survival and fittest. The law of the jungle. And it will of course lead to a total destruction. Bkan stakat pengharaman zina sahaja, we see as well dalam hukum haramnya berhibur berlebihan, haramnya muzik yang melalaikan and out of instruments yang dipetik (walaupon dari hadis yang da’if  tanpa sanad dan terdapat khilaf untuk dijadikan dalil hujah; and walaupon penulis seniri denga muzik2 ceni and correct me if im wrong). Then we see now how our culture is. Culture yang suka berhibur, and dont want to fight for himself and help his brother. Then timbul masalah lain lagi, isu black metal bla bla bla. And on the issue of gay marriage which clearly opposed to the human nature itself. Yes it is fundamental liberty, we have right and entitled to love and we should not have fear to express our love it’s true. But even a cow prefer to make love with the opposite sex, not with the same gender. Even a cow have a sense of taste. It’s true, where’s our sense of taste? We are not born into this world without it. But actually we learn to lose it through our learned helplesness. When we do something, not only our religion phohibits but even our nature cursed it, we will see the wrath of our sins. God may not give punishment directly, but indirectly sedar tak sedar sometimes the problem of our society is a manifestation of god’s punishment. Hilangnya potential khalifah di bumi Allah as a result of gayism, lesbianism, is a very serious sin to commit. What worst, even some of muslim support this gayism and lesbianism movement. I attended (not join!) one of their parade in london out of curiousity before, and it saddens me even muslims join this parade with the word ‘Islam means peace and love. Dont have fear in love’ on their banner (though you might argue that what for i attend the parade because i talk like a saint which in case im not). Then we see a brand-new uncurable sickness such as AIDS, Gonorrhea, Syphilis pervasively spreading in our societies. But have we ever think that sebenarnya jenis penyakit ini bukan hanyalah penyakit, tetapi sebenarnya bala? Then how about then excess population of woman in this world. Sublimate their passion out of proper marriage or with the same gender as well? If men want to marry men, we actually juz make a worse problem worst. Because the natural leader of women in a family and some other matters, is men (though some might argue in this matter, but it’s on a different subject).

11. It’s proven we dont have the key to the book of fate except god. Only God knew akan jatuhnya kerajaan Romawi sebelum kejatuhannya dan juga kejatuhan kerajaan-kerajaan lain di masa akan datang. If we have the key, then we can turn the pages to the chapter concerning the issue of fundamental liberty, and see what gonna happened in future and correct ourself now. Or even, if fight against the fatwa now means a good thing in the future, then we can decide together now to fight against it. Im fully supportive of that as every muslim else will do. But Only God knows what gonna happened in the future. God already set a system in this world. He’s the programmer of everything. He knows when we do this will create that. He knows when we input bad things will give a bad output. And our prone-to-subjective-thiking brain dont! And in His prgram, there’s no bug or error at all. Because he’s the ultimate just. Then after knowing all this, should we fight against hukum Allah? Sdangkan semua kalamullahilzim punya hikmah yang tersendiri? We’re nothing but the damned human race.

12. Back to the topic, we heard as well people put pressure on the ulama’ council to set a standard of differentiating between a normal woman and a tomboy one. But actually this is not a new issue, because in Islam it is clear that this is haram. It is haram to imitate our opposite sex in the way of how we dress. It is therefore, not a new fatwa, the council just make it clearer to the public for their understanding. And what for we pressurised the ulama council so that they set a standard? Because on individual level, a good muslim woman should already know the code of how to dress and behave. In the end, it all depends on one faith based on iltizam dan keazaman. The council can set a standard, but then, it depends on individual whether to follow it or not. One can understand, but understading and following the fatwa is two different subjects.

13. We muslim have ethics to be adhered to in our undertakings and endeavours. And even in our thinkings. That we can do everthing we want in this world, we’re free. We can even follow the law of the jungle if we want to. It’s not bad at all. But one thing must clear. What we do as a muslim, we’re ought to have a boundaries. That is the boundaries of religion. Do what we want, dress the way we like, eat what we desire, but in the scope of the boundaries. Rukun iman dan rukun islam tu sebenarnya bukan hanya setakat menjadi ‘din’ atau tiang, tapi juga bermaksud untuk menjadi batas, and a code of ethics. Democracy or fundamental liberty is within the scope of our religion. Democracy and fundamental liberty is actually a subset of Islamic teachings. Dengan syarat terdapat batas antara dua continuum; continuum pemikiran kita, dan juga continuum kalamullahilazim.

14. ‘[Prophet], when your Lord told the angels, ‘Im putting a successor on earth,’ they said, ‘How can You put someone there who will cause damage and bloodshed, when we celebrate Your praise and proclaim Your Holiness?’ But He said, ‘I know things you do not’.

15. When it is said to them, ‘Do not cause corruption in the land,’ They say, ‘We are only putting things right,’ but really they are causing corruption, though they do not realize it’.

16. Our thoughts can be a medicine, but too much medicine can only create sickness.

17. Wallahua’lam. Sekadar untuk berkongsi dan meninta fikiran, sedangkan penulis sendiri tidak ma’sum, bukanlah dari golongan yang tinggi akhlaknya, not even one in a billion percent of a saint, dan tidak dapat lari dari noda dan dosa. Im not trying to judge people here, but i juz want to make it clear what God already stated in the scriptures given to us.

1. Kali ni blog aku pendek je. Cuz sumbody reminds me about sumthing really2 gay and hillarious. Haha.

2. Korang tau x i got a fren who from the outset, he looked like a macho and brutal person. Lone ranger katenye. X layan pmpuan. Pergh!Tabek sepam!

3. Tp rupanya ade udang di sebalik batu. Believe me he’s a gay!hahah.

4. Cuz ade satu malam tu, mamat ni tido la umah aku kat shah alam. Malam tu die dok main game. So oleh krane aku ngntok aku tidola dulu. Lpas puas die men game tuh, die pon nek katil tido sblah aku. Ish korang jgn pk pelik lak xde mende semacam x-rated yg jadi. Haha.

5. Tp yang harunnye, keesokan pagi time aku bangun tido alangkah btape sangat terkejutnya aku..jari kelingking mamat ni bersimpul dengan jari kelingking tangan kiri aku. Ek eh macam laki bini. Hahah. Pas aku tgk muke die, aik tido ngn muke senyum!Babeng muke gatal!Cpat2 aku tarik tgn aku. Sial btol. Hahah.

6. Damn xbleh blah btol ngn prangai di luar tabi’i mamat ni. Holding fingers time tido. Hahah klau ikot hati mmg aku nak lepuk dah. That day aku cam xleh trime hakikat. Sial ade ke patot die amek kesempatan ke atas diri aku yg lemah ni. Hahah. Lupe lak aku nak samak je tangan aku arituh.

7. Patotlaa lone ranger!hahah.

8. Eii pak ali, pak ali (bukan name sebenar, dengan tujuan menjage maruah).

1. I remember not so long ago i read some stuff regarding fibonacci sequence. According to wikipedia the first number of the sequence is 0, the second number is 1, and each subsequent number is equal to the sum of the previous two numbers of the sequence itself, yielding the sequence 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, etc.

2. 0, 1, 0+1 = 1, 1+1 = 2, 1+2 = 3, 2+3 = 5, 3+5 = 8.

3. Fibonacci spiral can be drawn using these numbers, when applied to fibonacci tiling. A Fibonacci spiral is created by drawing arcs connecting the opposite corners of squares in the Fibonacci tiling.

4. Wow, you said. A boring mathematical junkie.

5. However, some thinker, philosopher, and religous zealot, views that this fibonacci sequence is the evidence of God artistry & the existence of higher intelligence; ‘God fingerprint’ - they said.

6. Juz look at you fingerprint, it’s a fibonacci spiral. Not only that, fibonacci spiral is imprinted all over our universe. The snail crustacean, the shape of our galaxy, our brain, the bull’s horn, sunflower seed, the bee’s nest etc.

7. A group of architect once before, built a compartment of buildings where the grounding work and its structure was based on fibonacci sequence. What’s amazing about these buildings - they endure the passage of time. These buildings are the pyramids.

8. Because of these findings, fibonacci spiral which derived from fibonacci sequence, is also termed as the ‘nature’s spiral’ or the the ‘nature’s equiation’.

9. However, one can argue that this is only a co-incidence. We shouldnt be amazed of this spiral-shaped thingy, because as many spirals there are in this universe - bentuk bulat n square yang tak diwakili oleh mathematical representative pon tak kurang banyak jugak. Nature brought these spiral stuff, as well as the squares and the rounds. Plus, sometimes bentuk spiral yang imprinted in the nature tidaklah 100 percent tepat dengan kiraan fibonacci. Science wise, there is no empirical evidence to proof that fibonacci sequence is really imprinted in the nature.

10. In the world of stock investing, fibonacci sequence is used to predict market trends. This is because, share price movement depends on two tenets of human basic emotion : greed and fear. Some of the investors, who themselves are addict-fibonacci followers, believe that the ‘nature’s equitation’ is a useful method to decipher the market intrinsic emotion which is derived from human nature.

11. Though the result from applying this equiation to stock price is random, but when applied correctly, time-wise - most of the fibonacci experts beat the market.

12. It’s hard to find a conclusion with regard to the substance of this stuff.

13. But in my humble opinion, lihatlah kejadian siang dan malam. Beribu tahun dahulu sebelum datangnya sains, manusia berdebat tentang yang mane antara siang dan malam mendahului yang lain.

14. Dan bila turunnya Al-Quran, Allah menyebut ‘walallailu sabiqunnahar’ - tidaklah malam mendahului siang. Dan sains hanya membuktikan kebenaran ini beratus tahun selepas turunnya kalamullah.

15. Sedar atau tidak kita sebenarnya terperangkap dalam satu peredaran spiral - siang dan malam - kerana tidak satu antara kedua-dua tersebut mendahului yang lain, tetapi kedua2nya beredar relatif dengan peredaran masa. Kita berpusing dalam satu bulatan tetapi tidak dalam paksi yang sama.

16. Lihatlah kehidupan dan pepatah - hidup ibarat satu roda, terkadang kita di atas terkadang kita di bawah. Tiap manusia akan melalui kesenangan dan kesusahan. Wajah dan liku tiap kesenganan dan kesusahan tersebut, walaupun atas nama yang sama - kesusahan, kesenangan - pasti berbeza. Sekali lagi sedar atau tidak, kita berada di dalam paksi spiral..

17. Dan kita sebagai manusia juga mempunyai nature yang spiral. Kita belajar. Kita faham dan ingat 50 percent ape yg kita pelajari. Masa berjalan, kita lupa 25 percent. Kita belajar lagi, lalu kita faham dan ingat 75 percent. Masa berjalan, kite lupe 25 percent. So on n so on.

18. It’s the same when we human learn from our mistakes.

19. Dan ia juga sama dalam hidup dan mati kita.
-kita mati
-kita ditiupkan roh
-lalu menjadi bayi
-kita membesar
-kita tua
-lalu berperangai seperti bayi
-dicabutnya roh kita
-dihidupkan kembali

20. Everything in this world, eventhough it is unexplainable by science, pasti akan ade hikmahnya. Science is ekceli like a map, drawn from known territory. Explaining something science-wise, is like telling someone about a place in a map.

21. Whereas, sesuatu peta asal hakikinya bermula daripada idea2 yang tak dapat dijelaskan. Uknown territory. Unexplainable theory. Like fibonacci.

22. Wallahua’lam

1. I’ve been wondering about fortune telling lately. Guys do you know if there is any substance to it? Cuz i imagined it would be nice isn’t it to know about something that God keep secret for Himself.

2. Well i got so many things on my list that i want a fortune teller to forsee for me. 1st, agaknye nanti baper orang la anak aku ek. 6 ke 7. Ish hopefully anak 1st aku pmpuan la! Haha gatai. 2nd, nanti aku dah tuwe camane la rupa aku ek. Ntah2 paler botak. Ntah2 muke cam bapak aku. Ish xmo la! Aku pantang btol oang ckp muke aku same ngn bapak aku. Aku rase aku ni ikot mak aku la.  Lemah lembut n caring. Haha.

3. 3rd, aku ni kayer ke miskin sat agih. Hopefully that fortune teller will tell me im the next donald trump. Time tu perghh, aku ade program apprentice snirik n aku dengan konfidennyer cakap kat peserta ‘hoii bangang you’re fired!’Fuii mat jenin. Haha. 4th, agaknye baper orangla bini aku nanti. Takkan sorang kot. Tensyen la maceni. Aku nak ikut sunnah n meramaikan ummah.  Dahla aku ni jenis yg adil, rugila klau sorang. Haha sucinye niat.

4. 5th, agaknye macamane la my fren will do in future. Hopefully they will prosper n do well in everything. Ish susah btol jadi taiko ni, slalu sangat risau psal anak buah. Ehem. Haha. 6th, been wondering camane la aku nnt bile da umo 60 70. Arap2nye aku sehat, jadi oang baik2 n x nyanyuk. Tp sampai ke aku umo tu ek. Ish isau gak. Tah2 mati katak kene gilis ngn lori. Haha celupar nyerr.

5. It’s nice isnt it to know these kind of things. At least we can prepare ourselves if things turn out to be badly than we imagined.

6. But of all things, im curious if that fortune teller can tell me..before i could see the sun..before i was born into this world..when God Himself forsee a future for us n tentukan nasib kite..yg mane Dia jugalah yang mematikan ingatan kita, setelah kita dilahirkan..tentang ape yg tersurat dahulu kita ketahui..

7. Di lauhun mahfuz dulu..apakah syurga atau neraka ntok kita?

8. Alangkah hipokritnya kita manusia di muka bumi Tuhan ini.

September 1999

It was raining. Heavily. I can hear the gushing wind struck through the trees. The rain itself seemed desolate, dropped perpetually over the street across where im sitting. The chorus of it utterly wretched and unhappy.

Lord of power and rule,
You give power
To whom You please,
And You strip off power
From whom You please:
And You endow with honor
Who You please,
And You bring low,
Whom You please:
In Your hand is all good.
Verily, over all things
You have power.

*****

I remember the days of my childhood. Though vaguely pictured anymore in the temples of my mind, but one thing as much elusive it was; was clear. He was like a brother.

It was when im in standard 2. Mase tu aku baru pindah dari skolah lame ke kelantan. Aku lam klas tu macam pendatang haram. Sbb aku cakap luar, xleh cakap klantan lagi mase tu. So di mate budak-budak ni aku macam mat indon la kirenye.

1st day aku dah wat hal. Btumbuk lam klas. Mase tu cite pendekar tengah femes, so bbudak lam klas aku ni kire cam taksub sket ngn cite tu. Asal ade je hikmat-hikmat baru yg kuar lam tv, mesti diorang test kat member2. N mangsa diorang aritu - aku. Haha.

That’s how it first started. Udin, that was his name. To this day, i cant stop thinking ‘what a start to know a person’ and sumtimes just thinking of that makes me smile. Gay ke aku ni?haha.

But i think that’s how fate works. Fate intersect persons to a junction of life, driven by inscrutable idea which God willingly disguise to make a person learn something out of it. To potray fate to a more explainable ideas, you will find that God is really a complex and artistic entity.

How can i describe this friend of mine. Lucu pon ade. Autar pon ade. Tp for certain, he epitomised the meaning of ‘kampung boy’. Haha.

Aku igt lagi zaman2 kecik lu, aku slalu gi kutip buah getah ngn budak ni. Die le yg aja aku segala ilmu tentang buah getah ni. Yg belang2 cenggini name nye ‘tok kura2′. Yang macam rail ketapi ni namenye ‘tok keto api’. Yang macam stripe name die ‘tok harimau’. And dalam banyak2 buah getah, ‘tok naga’ yang paling kuat. Uish merah gakla tangan aku dok main ketuk buah getah ni.

Tp die aja aku trick, camane bile lagakan buah getah ni nak bagi die kuat. X pecah. Trick die, korekkan lubang kat buah getah tuh, pastu masukkan simen ataupon lilin. Hui champion la kejap aku time tuh. Haha.

Xcukup ngn buah getah. Men guli. Men gasing. Men titik. Men bola. Men badminton. Lumbe beskal. Main dam. Masuk kua hutan. Jerat menatang (walaupon xpnah kene). Mancing. Men tikam judi power rangers - Udin ni kire sifu aku la. Vocab2 klantan cam ‘nate’ ‘bengong’ die la yg aja aku. Well dalam bab2 survival ni, mamat ni mmg terer.

Ade skali tuh plak, aku igt lagi die ngn member2 aku gi mandi kat ’sunway lagoon’. Name je best. Tp sbnarnye kolam yg xde air penuh ngn lecah je. Walaupon lecah, argh balun je. Best jugak.

Tp yg dajal nye si udin ni x puas ati, die cakap dulu kat kolam tu byk air skang kering. So die ajak aku pegi sungai klantan plak mase dajah 5.

Aku rase xsdap ati dah psal sungai klantan ni sbb orang dok cite bahaye. Ade hantu air tarik kaki. Ade gak aku denga cite pasal buaya putih bapak aku bitau. So aku cakap katdie aku nak gi mancing je taknak mandi. Die cakap ’set!’.

So pergila aku satu ari tu ke sungai klantan. Sblom tu aku dah janji ngn mak aku aku xnak mandi, mancing je. So sesampainye aku kat sungai klantan ni, aku pon balingla joran aku. Same gak ngn si Udin ngn Kopang(member aku gak). Tp yg aku xtahan nye, sejurus je aku baling joran tuh diorang bukak suar. Harun aku dah xsdap ati. Dush!Due eko tuh lompat masuk lam sungai. Barua!penipu!

Aku time tu innocent lagi. Ish!Ingat janji ngn mak. Mancing je jgn mandi. Tp due eko setan tu dok mujuk. Reh kalu mu tok mandi mu ni buke jate la. Xdop ***** (censored). Haha. Aku lam ati eii sabar sabar. Aku mancing je time tuh.

Walaupon begitu, sejam aku tunggu jangankan ikan batang hidung ikan pon x sangkut kat mata kail aku, seko pon xnak makan umpan. Memilih tol ikan kat sungai klantan ni kate aku lam hati. Cacing ngn blalang tanak. Matile klau centu. Takan nak bagi makan berger kot. Haha.

Diorang dok mujuk lagi. Argh sabar pon ade batasnye. Aku ape lagi terjun jugak arh. Haha. Yg sialnye aku xpandai berenang. So tempat aku terjun tu plak lubuk kat situ. Lemas sepam. Sebaik le udin ni ade. Die power kot berenang. Aku lpas lemas tu dok main kat tepi je. Dalam hati dok pikir, uish btolla orang kate kat sungai klantan ni ade hantu air. Sebaik x jumpe buaya putih gak arituh.

Sesudahnye mandi, time balek tuh, ntah camane mak aku tahu aku xgi mancing. Aku mandi. Ape lagi. Mengamuk le. Haha.

Eh lupe nak cite yg udin ni pon power men bola. Aku satu team ngn die la dulu. Aku striker. Udin ni plak winger. Kadang2 kagum gak aku ngn mamat ni, power kot dribble bola. Aku ngn die satu team bola start skolah rendah smpai la form 1 kat maahad. Byk gakla kejayaan yg kitorang kecapi time tuh. Pergh skema nye ayat. Juare antara kelas la mostly. Kat maahad lak time peralihan kitorang lawan form 4. Menang. Tp mostly dalam skola je la. Masuk tournament, byk yg haprak gak.

Cakap pasal bola, si udin ni tahu byk padang2 bola lam kampung aku. Ade satu ari tu die bawak aku gi tengah2 hutan. Aik ade padang bola rupenye. Padang peladung name die. Sempat gak men kat situ. Tp haprak kalah men ngn orang kampung.

Psal bgadoh plak, udin ni best buddy aku time bgadoh. Mase skola rendah lu, aku slalu jadi target senior2 aku. Slalu btumbuk. N dalam banyak2 member aku udin ni la kalau aku bgadoh 1st skali yg….lari.hahah sori din klau ko bace nih. haha. Bkan slalu la die lari, time ramai orang sgt je.

Most of my early chilhood days, bleh kate aku abes ngn die je. Tambah plak mase aku skola rendah tuh, abah aku dah start xde kat umah. Bz. Dulu aku rapat la ngn abah aku, tp lpas die bz tuh, aku byk abes mase ngn kgkawan. That’s why udin ni kire cam aku dah anggap cam adik bradik aku dah.

Tah camane, abeh skola rendah. Kitorang leh gi skolah maahad skali. Well x pelik pn eceli, ayah die ‘tok we ddoloh’ pak imam kat kampung aku. So die anta udin gi skolah agama.

Mase skola menengah aku rapat ngndie cambiase. Walaupon aku xsklas, tp still rapat. Men bola sesame, buat kje sial sesame. The rest is history.

*****

I remember 2 hours before, Kopang had called me.

‘Reh, udin mati gilo’

‘Nate ni gurau bodo igt aku cayo ko’

‘Sungguh ni udin mati. Lillah.’

It was raining that day. The day when i cycled frantically to his house. I nearly caught an accident that day, when my mind dozed away thinking of thoughts, suddenly i grasped a car was in front of me, turning to get to the left side of the T junction. Luckily i stroved away safely, but it didnt bother me, except that hoping Kopang was all but joking.

But he was lying on the old mat above the wooden floor. His face was blue. I went nearer. Shake him. Trying to wake him up. Inside me, it felt like i never exhaled a breather that time. Time had stopped. As if the time itself was paying a last tribute to a great being who had lived between the ticking of a clock.

He died trying to save his two friends from drowning, a brave but a stupid act in my opinion, where at last he himself got entangled by the might of the ocean’s wave. Drowned. Died. Syahid.

I felt dizzy at that time. It seemed like my soul had turned into a vagabond, travelling between the frame of my body and the outer side of it. My legs shaken. But apart from my dizziness that time, i didnt know whether it was my imagination or not, conspicuously i saw his blue face..smiling. As if the body was surrounded by euphoria of joy. Hopefully..God willingly..

I remember that i cant stay the sight for long. As i walked out the wooden door of his house, i vomitted, painfully and barely had a breath, as if i the chemical reaction inside my body, rejected the reality that had been presented viciously unto me. I said to myself i cant bear this anymore. Cant bear to see the sight of his grave, with prayers & beads of rosary twirled across the fingers of the people surrounding, accompanying his body into it, covered lastly with sand and soil, back to where every human belonged. Cant bear the fact, that will be the last time i saw him. Saying goodbye in utmost shattering manner.

I cycled through the street until i felt like i drained all my energy out then i stopped. Then there i was. Sitting. Crying under the tears of the sky.

‘Reh mu nokgi dok pantai cahaya bulan esok?’

‘Ish toksir aku’

Aku ingat lagi, ari pas die mninggal tu, time driver bas balek skolah, benti kat tempat die turun, nearby his house. Driver tu jerit ‘Udin!’. Tp aritu udin tak menyahut. N one voice broke the silence ‘dio meninggal marim pokcik’. At this point of time, everyday kat tempat die turun bas, for a month, i inevitably cried.

It took me 2 years to recover. I became a destructor of my own being. Blaming myself for not accompanying him that day. Blaming for not saying thank u. Blaming for never ever i dare to say sorry for sins that i committed unto him. 2 years i begged for atonement for someone intangible physically - then aku jd x konfiden ngn diri aku. Pendiam. Pemalu. I like to be alone, in my imagination, in my solitary confinement of mirrors and walls. Aku x suke tempat yang crowded. I got some feelings of deja vu bile hari mendung. Aku jd xpandai nak berkawan pastu. Cant express myself well. Aku slalu rase diri aku ni inferior compare ngn orang lain. I lack character, to stood by my own feelings and intrepretation of the world. For all those years, it was the black spot of my life. Haunted by sorrowful feelings of sum1 until today i feel his presence. Always.

You cause the night
To gain on the day,
And You cause the day
To gain on the night,
You bring the Living
Out of the Dead,
And You bring the Dead
Out of the living.
And You give sustenance
To whom You please,
Without measure.

Patah tumbuh, hilangnya berganti.

Nikmat yg ada hendaklah disyukuri.

Jangan menghargai sesuatu, setelah ianya pergi.

I juz want to say thank u..to all of my bestfriend now. Without you all, im not what i am today. Though ayat cite yg aku cite ni seems gay, haha, but i really would like to thank u all. That’s what ive been telling, ure all like pieces of jigsaw puzzle to my own life. From u all i gained back pieces of character that i had once, lost in the course of my life. U may laugh from this story, but take it with u really, learn what u can.

To udin..Juz want to let u know..Until to this day, aku slalu dapat mimpi aku lemas dalam air, feeling the pain uve been tru. Say hi to me when u see me one day oke. Though i think ill be in hell. Haha.

Al-fatihah untuk ulang tahun perginya seorang sahabat ke
pangkuan Ilahi…..

27 january 2007..aku dah selangkah pergi..ramai member aku dtg kat epot..mybe not less than 30..xsangka..ive accumulated a lot of great friends..i got so touched at that time..to think that the time I spent with them went tru so quickly..but that is life..nothing is permanent..because we ourselves is not permanent..

28 january..transit kat dubai..nuthing interesting here..pnat travel lam plane..ngntok cam sial..lantas aku terbengkalai kat tepi corridor tempat orang lalu lalang..tido..cuaca kat situ..sejuk..rase cam mat saleh jap..aku try tgk nafas aku..kot2 ade kabus cam mat saleh lam tv..tp xde lagi..x sesejuk cam yg aku xpect..kehkeh jakun..time to go onboard..this time byk flashback tlintas lam kpale aku..time sedeh..time hepi..silap n salah aku mase lampau..especially to my brother n sister..igt gak kat mak bapak..member..everything summed up to my current life..an uncompleted jigsaw puzzle

ssmpainye aku kat london..zati bwk pegi mara hostel..n mlm tu gak aku ngn member aku kuar tgk london..kali ni sejuk bukan kepalang..bawah 0 celcius..tangan aku rase cam nak beku..kpale aku saket..skali lagi aku try tgk nafas aku kot2 ade kabus..cinabeng xde gak..bile kat malaysia bukan men aku pk beznye klau kat mesia ni sejuk cam kat uk..tp bile kat uk lak aku rase besnye klau kat cni panas cam mesia..n then I chuckled at myself..cenila kite manusia..xpnah cukup ngn ape yg ade..jarang bsyukur..n xprnah nak hargai ape yg kite ade buat mase skang

30 january..aku start dok mah sewa..jauh ngn kolej..kat west ham..pnat travel, angkut barang, beli barang, masak..owh sbot sal masak..kehkeh aku dah pro skang..dulu aku xknal yg mane bwg putih,bwh merah n bwg besar..kunyit ngn halia lagile..n aku xreti nak koyak bawang..apetah lagi masak..yg aku tau sal masak..masak telur, masak megi ngn masak air..tu pon skadar teori je..xpnah buat praktikal..kat mesia yg aku tau bile perut bebunyi..balun tey tarik kat kdai mamak..’K3 jom’ katenye member2 aku kat blok A2..tp skang 2 bulan dok cni, alhamdulillah dah bleh adapt..ckp je masak ape..kacang!sinis jawab hati aku..bile dah ceni..aku start sedar btuahnye aku dok kat mesia dulu..everything was prepared..tp kat cni sme kne buat..bygkan ceni la..kite dari kecik smpai kite besar celik je mate dah ade elektrik kat umah..ttibe blackout..n then mase tu la baru kite rase..susahnye klau xde elektrik..btape sblom ni kite xpnah tputus ngn nikmat..ttibe..kite hilang punca..so much uncertainties..n then sumthing come across in our mind.. ‘bruntung nye aku dulu’..kite sbenarnye bodoh n pelupa..kite slalu hargai sesuatu mende..when it’s gone…

that’s absolute true with our parent also..dari kecik smpai besar..aku jarang appreciate parent aku like it should be..when they’re gone..it seems the world is very heavy

n also to friends..we take things lightly..take for granted..sdgkan member bwk smpai ke hati doesnt grow on trees..one in a million..

here in london..people are bullshit..they dont care abt u..they dont care abt ur feelings..as long as they accomplished their objectives..u can get loss..respect is rubbish..respect is only there if we are part of their objectives..other than that..no respect for you..politeness?only when they say ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’, n ’sorry’..which in reality it’s juz customs..

here u have no choice..except that u also be like them..to be bullshit but within boundaries..u have to be confident in urself alwiz..doenst get scared to stand by ur own opinion n voice..n dont hold urself back to be mean to people..unluckily for me, they are all sumthing that I loss long time ago..igt lagi mase kecik dulu aku I really confident in myself..aku buat ape yg aku nak xkire ape org ckp..aku slalu bagi opinion..but certain events take place..n It robs everything from me..it injures the outspoken heart..it injures me a lot..smpai kering air mate aku..n aku jadi pendiam, pemalu, sensitif..i got inferiority complex..to rebuild everything from ground zero takes time..it’s like a broken glass..shattered into pieces..to combined it again is near impossible but it can be done..n although u have it done..u cant be have it in the same piece again..it gonna be tainted by scars..

tru my life..ive met a lot of wonderful frens..me myself now are pieces of them..i learn a lot from my fren..how to be outspoken..how to laugh..how to smile..how to talk rubbish..how to forget problems..how to have a dry heart..how to be mean..how not to be ashame of myself..how to be me..a quite number of times I find myself as a riddle..and my friends alwiz have the answers..

skang ni aku dah pindah kat umah baru..kat plaistow..2 bulan ni is really a new experience for me..i make sum good friends..especially samir n khan..time went tru really fast here..everyday aku blaja sumthing new..camane nak jadi independent..camane nak jadi hati kering..camane nk biasekan diri ngn penat n susah..problem is everywhere..but every problem can be solved if u take it easy n approach it step by step..actually..life is a problem..can we escaped it?

Tadi aku pegi jmpe member aku khan, org pakistan..n balik tu aku angkut kusi nk bwk ke umah baru..pergh berat cam anak harun..jauh lak tu..n aku bwk nek bas kusi tu..sume org tgk sb kusi tu besa..aku gelak lam hati..msti diorang igt aku ni gile bwk kusi besa nek bas memalam..tp biarla..ape yg aku buat kt cni, my weaknesses, ape yg aku pcaye especially religion..even to the people here it looks like im making fool of myself..i tell myself juz let people laugh..can I satisfy everybody?when everybody is confined with their own believes, weaknesses and disabilities?of course no..let them be themselves n I be myself..life is perception..we cant change people perception..bcoz of that I think most of the time people will want to snipe us..they alwiz see one side of the coin..but the truth is they dont know wut’s in behind..the truth is..the coin is two-sided

klas start aritu 18 january..i like the way they teach here..the lecturer is very good..kat mesia dulu lecturer aku mmg dah bagos, tp kt cni diorang bagus sbb pandai highlight topic yg myb akan kuar xm..they focused on getting the techniques right..tambah lak aku juz hanye ade klas 2 atau 3 hari sminggu ntok klas..ari lain aku cuti n I can concentrate on studies..aku x byk bjalan lagi kt cni..biala dulu, I got so many responsibilities coming here..especially harapan mak bapak..aku takot klau aku fail akan nyusahkan diorang dan org2 yg berkaitan..i got delayed..byk duit bazir so on so on..i juz hope and pray to god..that I have the strength and ability to be stupid and humble when im learning..

I also started to think, what is my future gonna looked alike..the law of equivalent exchange according to my favourite anime, says that we alwiz get sumthing in return for what we give in the first place..it means that u reap what u sow..ive been wondering lately what have I done in my 22 years of life?the more I think of it..the more I think it seems like I dont have a clue about it..time runs so fast..and I dont even realised it past me through..skang ni aku juz hyn ade 38 tahun baki umur ntok hidup..n 22 tahun cam berlalu sekelip mata..mybe in juz another 2 blinking of eyes, I will get old and umah kate pegi kubur kate mari..have I prepared for my future?

skang aku kat dpan pc..xtau nak watpe..so aku tulis ape yg aku pk..liku2 hidup aku kat cni..hoho ttibe aku rase cam usman awang..lantaran menulis sumthing yg agak blues..skangni tangan aku saket sbb bawak kusi tadi..almaklomle angkat kusi berat cam sial..bkan arini je, mmg slalu aku buat kje2 berat kt cni..smalam angkat meja ngn awe dari umah lame smpai cni..so im a bit weak n full of pain now..but that pain is temporary..in actuality..it’s a blessing is disguise..the muscle gonna grow..n it becomes stronger n stronger..bile aku balek nnt korang ppaham la ek klau cutting aku cam leonidus lam cite 300 tu..kah8

it’s interesting now..cuz when all this happened I started to think that..God creates everything in pair..bile ade pmpuan ade la laki..bile ade siang ade la malam..bile ade yg kuat ade yg lemah..trigt gak kat subject kimia dulu..u got positive ion to discharge the negative ion..centu gakla ngn sakit..susah..n problem..tiap2 kesusahan akan ade rahmat to discharge it..life is like muscle..u get pain temporarily n then it grows..we of course gonna have setbacks in our life..we cant escaped it..but then setbacks is a promise from God for greater things in life..God juz wanna tell us tru the problems ‘I give u this test so that u solve it n be a better person, n face Me one day as a great person’..but do we listen to God’s voice tru the problem?